Letting Go, Slowly
by Underneath All Elsewhere
Summary: Before entering my almost empty house, I made a mental note. Sex: not all it's cracked up to be.


"Are you absolutely completely sure?" He asked one last time before I began unbuttoning my top.

"Of course, why do you think I'm in such a hurry?" I pulled him down on top of me, and we started kissing again. It felt a little different from when we were outside under the tent in thick winter jackets. Not even because of all the material between us, mainly because we were actually going to go all the way this time. I couldn't believe it - me, Alliana Jaya Bhandari was about to score with an incredibly hot older guy. My dream was finally coming true! This would _definitely_ be something to brag about in the future.

I could feel him pressing into me more, except it felt like his elbow was trying to push its way into my thigh. Having turned fourteen five and a half months ago, this wasn't what I was used to... not at all. But I was ready. I was sure of that. Plus, it was too late to back out now. Suddenly, he rose up from my body and removed his flannel shirt. Then he reached down for the zipper on my jeans. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed his hand and he looked up. Gosh, those glittering forest green eyes always got to me.

"You don't want to stop, do you?" He backed away, running a hand through his long golden locks.

"No, no. I just... had a moment, that's all." Reaching for the hem of his undershirt, I pulled him back down towards me. Immediately, his tongue was in my mouth and his hand was feeling its way up my shirt. After the temperature in the van seemed to rapidly increase, I was left in only my bra. My lips started to feel swollen and all my mango chapstick had long been sucked and licked off. His chest started to heave slighty, and then he pulled off his wife beater to reveal a very tan, muscled abdomen. For a moment, I thought I had lost my breath.

He kissed me again, this time a little harder and more forcefully. I'd assumed he'd know exactly what to do, but he appeared to be stalling. When was he going to take his pants off and get the job done? "Come on silly, I think it's time now," I giggled, reaching for the button on his Levi's.

"Whatever you say, princess," he replied, shimmying out of the only article of clothing that separated us.

"Do you have the...?" I wondered aloud, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"You can't be afraid to say the word 'condom'. Not now of all times." Reaching forward, he poked me in the stomach and I laughed. Finally his underwear came off, and I wanted to look, I really, _really_ did - but I couldn't. For some reason, I felt a little embarrassed. Even though he was going to see me naked anyway, I'd only been without all my clothes in front of my closest family members and my best girlfriends at sleepovers. Turning away while he put the thing on, I sighed. I wasn't feeling as excited as I had when we were making out, but it was still pretty close.

Laying me back down onto the shaggy carpet, he removed my bra and took a minute to admire my still slowly developing chest. Then he dived down towards it, making circles with his tongue around my nipples. These were my last few moments of being a virgin and they felt great! Before sliding my thong down my legs, he took a minute to suck on my neck for a little bit. I wondered how I was going to hide _a hickey _from my parents. How could anyone fall and hit her neck anywhere? That's practically impossible!

I felt my underwear being pulled down and I snaked my arms around his neck and we lay down again. Then I felt something and it hurt - badly, _very_ badly. I groaned in pain, not pleasure. He moved around a little bit and then said my name, my actual name - Alli, not Backwoods - and it was over. I wasn't a virgin anymore, and I didn't know how to feel.

--

As we put our clothes back on, I made sure to keep my mouth shut and try to move away from him. It was kind of hard since the van was so crowded, but I wasn't going to not try. Out of nowhere, something hit me. I'd just given it up in the back of a grimy van where teenage girls gave oral sex to low life, scum bag guys for bracelets. That was something all of India would be put to shame to hear. Sav - what was I going to tell _him_? My older brother is still pure... and I'm not. How could this be? He's three years my senior; how could this have happened?

"I think I should go now," I said, letting the words roll off my tongue. I felt very strange and I just needed to get out of there.

"I'll drive you," he offered, and I shook my head fast.

"I'll walk."

I didn't have to turn around to see his eyes become cold and hard again, I could hear the firmness in his voice. The same sharp tone my parents were sure to use in their lecture when they found out about what I had done. "You are not walking home alone."

"Fine," I whispered. At this point, my whole body felt different. I just wanted to curl up on my bed and fall asleep, leaving this whole scenario behind. Bowing my head, I tried to tell the tears that were fighting with the backs of my eyeballs to go away, but I couldn't. I had to be strong; I was a woman now. Johnny couldn't figure out that something was wrong. Not right after we were intimate.

As soon as we got in the car, he turned on some of his favorite heavy metal music, which I was grateful for. No prying questions, no romantic gestures - just a peaceful ride home. He didn't say one word during the twenty minute drive and I was glad.

Once we came to a stop in my driveway, he leaned over in his seat and touched my hand. "That was uh, really special for me. It meant... a lot."

_Yeah whatever_, I wanted to scream. _Just like all of the other chicks you've bagged in the back of that same van. _I felt like I had been humiliated in front of the whole entire universe.

"Sure, me too," I reciprocated politely and opened the passenger door. I think he could tell something had changed, so he didn't try to question my suddent distant attitude.

"Bye," he said.

"See ya around," I responded, hoping he understood that we were broken up.

Since I was too nervous to enter the house, I sat on the bottom porch step and hugged my jacket around me. It wasn't that cold out, but nothing was the same anymore. The tears that I had been fighting spilled down my cheeks like waterfalls. My whole body shook and I could feel a large lump taking shape in my throat. Before entering my almost empty house, I made a mental note. _Sex: not all it's cracked up to be. _


End file.
